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#5937 | | I think we're all Bozos on this bus. -- Firesign Theatre
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#5938 | | I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, working for scale. -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
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#5939 | | I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes.
It's about Russia. -- Woody Allen
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#5940 | | I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes. -- Steven Wright
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#5941 | | I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour. -- Steven Wright
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#5942 | | I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. -- Steven Wright
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#5943 | | I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance. -- Steven Wright
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#5944 | | "I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to get off my driveway." -- Steven Wright
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#5945 | | I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time..." -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
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#5946 | | I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. -- Steven Wright
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