 fortune index all fortunes
| | #5887 | | "Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
-- Jay Leno
| | | #5888 | | Hey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and
*parks* on *driveways*?
-- Gallagher
| | | #5889 | | High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
*Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
All: Amen.
-- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
| | | #5890 | | "Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
-- William Gilbert
| | | #5891 | | Humorists always sit at the children's table.
-- Woody Allen
| | | #5892 | | I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern
unstoned.
-- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
| | | #5893 | | I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
-- Steven Wright
| | | #5894 | | I am two with nature.
-- Woody Allen
| | | #5895 | | I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on
any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at
parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
-- Dave Barry
| | | #5896 | | "I assure you the thought never even crossed my mind, lord."
"Indeed? Then if I were you I'd sue my face for slander."
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
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