 fortune index all fortunes
| | #6343 | | NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
| | | #6344 | | New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
| | | #6345 | | Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?
| | | #6346 | | Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
no attention to the signal.
The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
"No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
| | | #6347 | | Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
the railroad yards."
-- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
| | | #6348 | | ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing
I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody
gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it on his legal
stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what a lesser person
would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
-- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
| | | #6349 | | Pittsburgh driver's test
(10) Potholes are
(a) extremely dangerous.
(b) patriotic.
(c) the fault of the previous administration.
(d) all going to be fixed next summer.
The correct answer is (b). Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican,
imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars. If you drive a
big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about.
| | | #6350 | | Pittsburgh driver's test
(2) A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
(a) stop immediately.
(b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
(c) blow the horn.
(d) floor it.
The correct answer is (d). If you said (c), you were almost right, so
give yourself a half point.
| | | #6351 | | Pittsburgh driver's test
(3) When stopped at an intersection you should
(a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
(b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
(c) blow the horn.
(d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
The correct answer is (d). You need to start as soon as the traffic light
for the intersecting street turns yellow. Answer (c) is worth a half point.
| | | #6352 | | Pittsburgh driver's test
(4) Exhaust gas is
(a) beneficial.
(b) not harmful.
(c) toxic.
(d) a punk band.
The correct answer is (b). The meddling Washington eco-freak communist
bureaucrats who say otherwise are liars. (Message to those who answered (d).
Go back to California where you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
| | | | ... |
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