 fortune index all fortunes
| | #10864 | | Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us
all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for
its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs
romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any
wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They
amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses.
We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes.
We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
-- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
| | | #10865 | | HARVARD:
Quarterback:
Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinksi
has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
Wide Receiver:
The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
those times.
YALE:
Defense:
On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
coin toss.
-- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
| | | #10866 | | Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
-- W. C. Fields
| | | #10867 | | How can you think and hit at the same time?
-- Yogi Berra
| | | #10868 | | I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's accomplishments.
The front page has nothing but man's failures.
-- Chief Justice Earl Warren
| | | #10869 | | I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in
the world is fixed.
-- Frank Deford, sports writer
| | | #10870 | | I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
-- Florence Henderson
| | | #10871 | | I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
-- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
Cardinals backed down and played.
| | | #10872 | | I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
win -- or even how you won.
-- Cash McCall
| | | #10873 | | I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
-- D. Cavett
| | | | ... |
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