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| #8771 | | You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
-- E.A. Gilliam
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| #8772 | | You know you're in trouble when...
(1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
(2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
(3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
out of the city.
(4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
(5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
remember that you don't have a waterbed.
(6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
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| #8773 | | You know you're in trouble when...
(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
Especially if you're a man.
(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
(3) Your income tax check bounces.
(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
after you bought a waterbed.
(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
for your spouse.
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| #8774 | | You know you're in trouble when...
(1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
(2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
and there aren't any.
(3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
(4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
(5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
(6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
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| #8775 | | You know you're in trouble when...
(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
her own business.
(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
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| #8776 | | You know your apartment is small...
when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
you have to go outside to change your mind.
you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
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| #8777 | | You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
-- Sydney Harris
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| #8778 | | You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with him.
-- Ed Howe
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| #8779 | | You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success.
You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white
plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised
as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
-- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
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| #8780 | | You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
are merely deputies of that one.
-- Nero Wolfe
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